Lost boys.
Lately I’ve been doing some volunteering at my son’s school. Every Tuesday I take a group of 7 4th graders out to “find urban nature.” It’s interesting in its own way. However, I always come home feeling like I’ve conveyed very little. An hour out of the school day & they spend 1/4 of it getting to the lunchroom to meet then back to class, 1/4 of it listening to the head of the program attempt to teach by the Socratic method, which really means some kids raise their hands, waving wildly, while most of the rest sit, doodling & bored, & 1/2 the time supposedly listening to me (or one of the other volunteer moms).
My group has 4 girls & 3 boys. I had heard tell that boys were different & boy, howdy, let me tell you it ain’t no lie. When I ask the girls to look at their plants & speculate on what the roots are for, they actually bend their little heads & fasten their eyeballs on the plants. The boys don’t hear me ask the question because they are too busy throwing clumps of wet leaves at each other.
In my little group is a boy who is testing. Me, his teachers, the other kids’ willingness to follow – everything. I liken this boy to a 10-month-old border collie puppy. He’s mostly friendly, plenty smart, with lots of energy, & if you don’t find him something to do, he’ll find ways to entertain himself. Shredding the sofa, for instance. I’ve done 3 of these sessions now & I’ve gotten hip to his ways. As soon as we pass thru the doors, he immediately veers off from the group. Apparently he’s hoping to vanish on the school grounds. Or off them. First I tell the other boys they must stay with the group. This is to avert their quick defection to his camp. I went thru this in week 1. Then I herd him back with mild pats on the back. This is repeated time & again. He loves pillbugs. Quick as you can think it, he’ll be off from the group & turning over rocks in search of a new “Fred,” which is what he names every pillbug. This must be shut down AT ONCE, or one of the other boys will sense a slackness in the leash & also immediately leave the group to invert rocks. I reached a low point last week when my own son listened to this boy instead of to me. (This caused me to have my first “perils of bad companions” talks with my son after school that day.) I was standing there asking them to listen (the girls were already listening) & they were just riffing on their own boy silliness. On a side note, why can’t boys ever hold still?
Now, with Reid, I can apply all sorts of psychological warfare. I can tell him, for instance, that if he doesn’t behave in a certain way, then I might not use any hot water at all in his next bath. Or that his lunch the next day might consist entirely of dried apricots. Ah, how I do love the screams of protest. You parents out there know exactly what I mean. There is something truly delicious in the immediate capitulation of your small adolescent wannabe when faced with treats withheld, in the begging insistence of your bratty child they they WILL behave, just PLEASE can they have a cookie in their lunch the next day? With this boy, tho, I couldn’t get a handle. Hmm, I thought, what will work on this little beast? He’s rather street smart & as one of the other moms pointed out, he’s just as likely to respond by flipping me the the bird & telling me to fuck off. Charming behavior in a 9 year old, but emasculating for me. So last week, I put my arm around his shoulder & said I REALLY needed him to cooperate with me, that while I’d be leaving in half a hour, he’s with his teacher for the next 7 months, & if I had to tell her about his attitude, I was betting she could find ways to make his life hard. He got a rather thoughtful look in his eyes & mostly behaved the rest of the session.
And this week, as with every week since the nature program started, I’ve spent a bit of time pondering this kid & his situation. He seems quite smart, seems bored, & lord knows he’s mentally alert. Comes up with all sorts of clever things. And he’s not an evil kid. Any of you who have been around kids know what I mean; there are kids out there who seem to be creatures from the dark side from the get go. But this boy is somewhat charming & not particularly bad, he’s just floating around in any random direction because there is no compass in his world. I have asked around & found out he lives down the street with his mom & some other quantity of younger kids. He had to have a neighbor bring him to open house night. He might have a learning disability or he might qualify for the advanced learning program, but both those things require some parent involvement which doesn’t seem there for him. It’s like watching a slow moving train wreck. He could go far. He could go too far. It’s like he’s in the woods, ambling back & forth between the path to an interesting & fulfilling life, & the path to juvie. Further on the woods will thicken & it’ll be harder for him to find the other path. It’s such a waste, you know. That’s what I think when I see kids like this. About all I could to do was call the local chapter of Big Brothers & get an application. I’ll see if his teacher can pass it on during the parent/teacher conferences upcoming at Thanksgiving break. I can’t think of anything else.
People used to live more in small communities. And in that situation, people knew each other, & they weren’t hesitant to enforce the local rules & mores. That dynamic can be bad, such as when a small town hates gays or blacks, but there were definite benefits, too. Used to be, a kid who was kind of on his own might have relatives or a mentor to go to. But in the case of this boy & many kids like him, you don’t even know your neighbors. And if your parents are not even really there, you are on your own.
It’s worth understanding that the space between good parenting & child abuse is a vast field with lots of hidey holes. As long as a kid doesn’t come to school with an eyeball hanging out or fingers missing, he’s considered fine. Teachers might see clear signs of bad parenting, but unless it’s extremely obvious, they can’t do much at all. In previous times, various community busybodies or relatives might have stepped into this legal gap, but these avenues are now for the most part closed.
It’s a sad thing.
